It's 9 in the morning, and I'm feeling particularly alive for some reason. Mostly, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my current life situation, which consists of working a mere 15 hours a week and spending the rest of the time with the people I love, doing the things I love. Because of this, I occasionally wake up with these feeling of "life", for lack of a better word.
However, I must admit it's frustrating. There are so many things I want to do, but I'm currently climbing this mountain, that to be honest, seems to have no peak. No end in sight.
Let me clarify.
All I want to do is tour with my band. Literally doing that would bring everything into perspective for me. Pretty much all of my hopes and dreams would come with that. One example is just seeing the world. I wish that I woke up this morning in Australia. Or Japan. Or England. But I'm here, in dreary London, Ontario, where winter seems to drag on endlessly, and almost everyone looks down on what I'm doing, as if it's some foolish pipe dream.
Conversations usually go like this:
Person: "So what are you doing this year?"
Me: "Oh, well I'm taking the year off. I'm just working towards touring with my band, getting our name out there."
Person: "Oh..."
(awkward silence)
Person: "Well, what do you plan to do when you do go back to school?"
Me: "To be honest, at this point I don't plan to. I was at Western last year, and it really wasn't for me. I felt like I was wasting my time and my money for something my heart wasn't in to begin with. I think my band has a lot of potential, and if we continue to work our asses off, I really think we could do something with this."
Person: "Really? But I mean, you should definitely have a backup plan right?"
Me: "Well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, school's not going anywhere..."
And so on. You can imagine I'm sure.
I guess people are just so accustomed to the ways of our society, it's rules and it's obligations, that they believe if you aren't in some sort of schooling or post-secondary education, you're probably just a bum with no life of his own.
It's similar to religion. You're brought up believing one thing. From the start, you're told time and time again that this is the way things are, this is the way they must be, and when you reach a certain age, it is absolute fact. There's no "anything else". There's just this one thing that you should believe and follow and put all your life into. "Anything else" is sacrilege. If you actually stop to think about it, there are a lot of holes, a lot of unanswered questions. But you won't stop to think about and you'll refuse to see those holes. Because if you saw them, all your beliefs would shatter around you. And let's face it, that's a terrible feeling.
However, I believe it's the wrong way of thinking. Everything should be though out, questioned, processed. If you still believe in something so strongly after you've gone through this process, then more power to you. You will not hear any griping from me.
But for me, I'm so young. I feel like right now is the time where I can break out. I can live. I've got the whole world right in front of me. I've got so many things I want to do, so many dreams that I can just reach out and grasp. Why would I wanna be bogged down studying and being one of a hundred thousand, or three hundred thousand, or a million, when I can be just one, just me? If your dream is to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a teacher, then by all means, go to school, get your degree, go do it! It's what you want.
It's just not what I want.
The camaraderie of a band is literally what I live for. It's not about money, or fame, or recognition. And it's certainly not about job security. Fuck all that. It's about the life I want to live. And how could I live with myself if I didn't at least try to live that life.
And let me tell you, the trying is the hard part. This band thing literally takes way more work than you might think going into it. Just getting your name out there is a task and a half. And my entire income, as well as the rest of my band members incomes, goes to paying for gear, studio time, merch, promotion (ie, photos, myspace pages), and food and gas on the road. Next on the list is our very own band van. Exciting. So it's frustrating when people think I sit around all day, waiting for something to happen. That's not how it works, and any band that does this, even if they write the most amazing music ever heard by man will get absolutely nowhere. It's just like anything else. You have to work, and you have to work hard. But working hard will pay it's dividends, in some way, shape, or form.
I guess what I want to say is that I'm learning too. Just not out of a textbook.
